Post-ApocaBrexit: A Tale of Time

The year is 2062.

It’s been 42 years since the government was disbanded and replaced with an effigy of Tim Martin’s head. The real Tim Martin lost his head in the horrific riots of 2020 after Weatherspoons accidentally put their prices up by 10p and a staff member unwittingly said “Jager-Bomb” to a table of 10 out of work DUP members.

The walls of every street are plastered in passport blue. Passports no longer exist as all travel to and from the UK was cancelled in 2035 in an effort to keep all of Britain’s returned “ex-pats” in one place. Wales was sacrificed to the Gods.

The Royal Family has been replaced by Brewdog – the world’s only independent rulers with franchises across 46 countries. They became the first rulers of a country to have a slogan: “No-one likes us and that’s their own fault“. Brewdog bottle tops became the currency of the UK after their successful victory in the great currency referendum of 2028 which they swayed in their favour by parading a train with the words “Budweiser are a bunch of cunts” up and down the country.

All of the wild animals in the UK were eaten in an attempt to upset vegans and vegetarians . The Queen – whose brain is now installed in the Angel of the North – still retains ownership rights of all of the shat-out swan beaks.

Fernet Branca has replaced most of the water supply in the UK after the bartender revolt of ’32. To this day it is unknown if most of the bartenders supported this decision or if they were just trying to impress each other.

Bars and Pubs no longer exist after the introduction of the “Small-Batch” legislation. The new law allowed every business with up to 99,999 outlets to still call themselves independent and family run. This of course led to Pernod-Ricard buying up all of the leisure locations in the country and placing an art installation in each one that simply says “We Did It” in French.

Bartenders managed to survive the annihilation of the hospitality industry and formed their own collection of bars in a cul-de-sac in Salford. They only serve twists on the Clover Club.  Chef’s are allowed to visit the collective as are serving staff, or at least they would be if they weren’t all killed in the horrific TripAdvisor cull of ‘27.

Boris Johnson divorced his hair and declared himself King of The North. He built his castle in Stockport and no-one goes in or out. Tommy Robinson was his court jester for a well-documented three years before he broke free. Upon his escape he stole the NHS £350 million bus and converted it into a Mad Max war machine. To-this-day he still holds the English Sparkling Wine monopoly around Shropshire.

Not much is known of the “old ways”. Journalists and story-tellers were all rounded up and shot in 2022 after The Sun ran the headline “Shit!” and went on a genocidal killing spree. Only restaurant reviewers survived the culling after it was discovered they weren’t real journalistsToday they remain locked in a colony near Devon and receive weekly food parcels. They are yet to give a negative review to any of them, but constantly give themselves two out of five stars. Jay Raynor was their last known king but it is uncertain if he is still alive as no-one really cares.

Pornography has been replaced by TripAdvisor reviews. Allowing their users to continue to masturbate over their own opinions.

The NHS was deleted and replaced with just the words “We Got Through Two World Wars, You Can Get Through This Cancer”. All doctors were rounded up and told to recite stories of their poverty to Jeremy Hunt as he slowly caressed his own nipples in his oxygen chamber. Carling took advantage of this to market a new drink aimed at the people affected by the removal of the NHS: Nurse Tears™ now accounts for 25% of the UK’s economy.    

After it was decided to allow specially selected foreigners to work in the agriculture sector, the RSPCA reported a very large jump in the number of dogs in the country. All the remaining and surviving schools now have to teach children what “German Shepherds” actually are.

The food supply in the UK is currently at risk as the very real threat of the late Piers Morgan’s private vegan sausage roll collection running out looms ever closer. Alcohol remains one of the only sources of moisture in the country. Flavoured gin is the nation’s main supply of nutrients.

Not much is known of the current whereabouts of Theresa May. Her last known movements recorded were when she went into exile in Newton Abbot and set up home in the corner of an ASDA cafe shouting “Breakfast means breakfast” at punters. She is thought to have died at some point between 2021 and 2060.

Christmas was cancelled as soon as everyone realised Saint Nicholas was a foreigner. St George was removed as Patron Saint of England for similar reasons. He was replaced by Roy Chubby Brown.

The National Census of 2050 found that the most popular name for females was “Gillet”. This caused many men to boycott women as they just… couldn’t. The national baby shortage of 2051 gave the country a much needed break for a bit.  

The arts council was disbanded in 2025 after it was discovered they’d blown all their funding on scotch eggs. Only two television programs exist: the National TV broadcast – famed for its bi-weekly coverage of Jeremy Corbyn’s shoes – and a 24 hour feed of what used to be known as Coronation Street. The program solely consists of an unknown off-screen entity holding a gun to a picture of Ken Barlow’s face.

The word “hindsight” has been made illegal, and any mention of David Cameron is punishable by death. Still, though, the country remains optimistic and upbeat. Bananas are bendy again.

 

@CheapestShot

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s