Things Manchester’s New “Night Tsar” Can Do

In case you haven’t been keeping your fingers on the pulse of all things happening in Manchester recently, you might be interested to know that Manchester has followed the vision of Amsterdam, Berlin and a place called ‘London’? In appointing the city’s first ever “Night Tsar”.

His name’s Sacha Lord and the more astute/liberal with what you put into your bodies at music festivals amongst you will know he’s the man in charge of Parklife and Warehouse Project. He’s now also in charge of sorting out the night scene in Manchester and let us say for the record: We are pleased that this step has been taken.

Mr Lord has stated he will be “listening to key voices across Greater Manchester” and we desperately hope he doesn’t mean Karen down the road who has a few drinks in the pub every Friday. Whilst we might not be a key voice, we have got a few suggestions that would help our new Tsar improve the nightlife in Manchester. We won’t ask for any commission for these. They’re free of charge. You’re welcome.

  1. More advertising for The Millstone Pub. Despite its popularity, it’s still massively underrated. Maybe look into making it appear less scary.
  2. Crash mats outside most bars in the NQ. It would make all of the fights a lot safer.
  3. Limiting “Woo Girls” to one woo per night. It would make all of the bars less scary.
  4. Putting a sign up in Spinningfields that says “London IS more expensive”. It would make all of the suits less angry.
  5. A safer place for traffic cones to spend their night. #TrafficConeLivesMatter
  6. A limit on how many different people and companies can own The Ritz in a year. It’s just getting confusing.
  7. At night, the canal at Deansgate Locks fills up to the top with jelly beans. Safety first.
  8. A safer way for hospitality workers to get home after shifts, especially at 2-5am in the morning on the night-bus carrying a pen knife in case one of the locals has gotten on. NOTE: Only if they’re sober. A drunken bartender is worse than a drunken public person. They can make their own way home.
  9. A limit on the amount of topknots allowed in a square mile. We’re not really sure how they’re still a thing.
  10. A limit on how many websites and individual bloggers can review bars and restaurants. It’s getting daft now.
  11. A ban on the word “Foodie”.
  12. Limit the amount of construction that can be undertaken directly outside small businesses. It’s killing them off.
  13. A campaign to stop people thinking the Northern Quarter is for “Independent Bars and Businesses”. It’s owned by like, the same four people and Turtle Bay has a site there. Pack it in.
  14. Easier access to/or advice on healthier food for hospitality workers. Not everyone is organised enough to bring in a packed lunch or have a degree in nutrition.
  15. A TripAdvisor regulator that asks for evidence of an event happening before a “review” is accepted.
  16. BodyCams for hospitality workers. The Police get less abuse from the general public and they have them.
  17. A minimum “Hospitality Wage” that stops employers taking advantage of literally anyone between the ages of 16-24 and fuck it, even those 25+. Stops receptionists coming in coked off their tits screaming ” GET A REAL JOB. I PAY YOUR WAGES”. Working in a bar  3pm ’til 5am is not the same as working in Primark 10am-5:30pm. Although the amount of abuse received might be on the same level. (I’ve done both of these, so keep your “Points of View” letters to yourselves). In fact, if you can just have a word with someone and let them know that everyone’s getting paid shit and a lot of people are living on the bread line, that’d be top.
  18.  Can we please have a better outreach program and a better understanding at the  Mental Health problems in the hospitality industry? We know it’s not job specific, but we hold this industry and everyone in it close to our hearts. We’ve lost a lot of good people recently and we can’t do this on our own. Everyone is told to ask for help. We’re asking for help. No-one should be made to suffer on their own and in silence. It’s not the cause we’re looking for, it’s the solution. It’s the care that can be given. It’s the advice and the support that people need. You can literally forget everything else we’ve said in this list. Just pay attention to this one. Number 18. We don’t want to lose anyone else to this illness. As a profession we’re trained to smile and laugh through the annoyances and the grievances that are caused to us: “Leave your problems with your coat at the door”. We don’t need a cloakroom. We need a tailor. Mr Lord, Sacha if we may, we know this isn’t solely your problem to fix, but if you want to make the night-scene a better place to be, then start by helping those that run it to manage their illnesses and maybe, just maybe, not have to fake their happiness for once.


It’s getting harder to smile through it.

Don’t suffer in silence.


Ask For Help.



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