We’re in the last few weeks of the festive season, and we have no doubt whatsoever that you have all been reading and have seen thousands of “This Christmas, This is How You Should Act When You’re At a Bar”. Well we’re here to tell you that you don’t need to listen to those articles or to those people, you can stand and be proud of your “Once a Year Drinker” name-tag and you do not need to feel ashamed of it. We’ll tell you why.
- Click Your Fingers at Your Bartender
They’re really busy, so how else are they going to know you’ve been waiting for 10 seconds? How else are they going to understand that you really, really need a drink or you’re going to die of thirst in their establishment? Rub your middle finger and thumb together and push your middle finger down fast, as if summoning a dog or a servant, or a lesser human being. Your bartender will appreciate this and will understand their place in society. They may even thank you for reminding them that you are a better person than they are, maybe even mention that you pay their wages. If you really want to get their attention, give a little whistle. You will get your drink in record time.
- Repeat Your Order Very Slowly and With A Patronising Tone
How does this bartender not understand what a gin and tonic is? They’ve said “pardon?” twice when you’ve ordered it. They must not know what it is. Roll your eyes, sigh very deeply and teach them what it is. Don’t think about the possibility that they haven’t heard you correctly, that’s what they want you to think. Silly peasants.
- Ask Them if They’re Serving… Then Ask Them Again
We all know that bartenders don’t like serving people, and no-one knows that more than you do. If you see them frantically stocking up their fridges, collecting glasses, cleaning the bar, cleaning tables, stocking glasses back up or generally doing anything that doesn’t involve serving you and your mates a Jäger- bomb then make sure you let them know that you’re too important to wait. Those sneaky bastards are just trying to get out of doing any work. Everyone knows bars stock and clean themselves.
- Steal Whatever You Want
After all, you pay their wages right? You also pay for the electricity, the stock, the bar equipment, the fridges, the bar mats, the tills, the door-staff. Take what’s rightfully yours and then never show your face for another year when you can pay their wages once more.
- Fuck The Toilets Up
It’s your playground. Twat the fuck out of the mirrors, shit wherever you wish, maybe knock a urinal off the wall. If you can’t do it at Christmas, when can you do it?
- Ask The Bartender What Their Real Job Is
They can’t possibly be doing this for a living can they? Surely they must aspire to bigger and better things like working in an office from nine in the morning to six in the evening for minimum wage and a personal email address? Do your public duty and grill them on why they’re wasting away their life when they could have the life you have. They will thank you for the career advice. Aspiration-less troglodytes.
- Scream Abuse at Them When They Refuse To Serve You Anymore
They’re ruining Christmas. How dare they? This is your one night to get really fucking drunk and they are taking this away from you. Call them cunts, pricks, dickheads. This is a strategy that has been known to change bartender’s minds when they cut you off for being too drunk. If all else fails, get your mates to buy you drinks instead, because we all know that bartenders can’t see what’s happening beyond the bar. They will be blissfully unaware that you are still drinking when they said you couldn’t. Make sure to mock them at every chance you can. That’ll teach ’em.
- Just Generally Forget That They Are People
If they’re working in bars, they must not want to be treated with any respect. They’re probably all just drug-ridden students looking for their next high. Try to ruin Christmas for them by treating them with no dignity whatsoever. Maybe now they’ll get their act together and look for a nice cosy job sitting at a desk selling people insurance cover for their ornamental mice. You’ve done your Christmas duty for another year and taught people a few lessons. You can now go home, vomit in a taxi and forget about all the times you sexually harassed your co-workers and bar-staff in a small three hour time slot. Sleep well, sleep tight and enjoy your Christmas.
Happy holidays from all at Cheapest Shot.