Following on from our hugely popular and completely uncontroversial article “Never Trust a Bartender Who Doesn’t Smoke”, people have been constantly asking us: “Cheapest Shot, which other types of bartenders shouldn’t you trust?” Well, despite the Jon Taffer answer of “NONE OF THEM. THEY ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE” and the Micheal O’Hare answer of “NONE OF THEM. THEY ARE ALL SLEAZY FUCKERS… anyone want to work on my bar?” The most obvious answer is, of course, to never trust a bartender who doesn’t have tattoos.
A bartender who has no tattoos is a bartender who has not been completely numbed to the incessant pain of real life. When you have a bartender who hasn’t been “ink’d” (that’s how the kids say it sometimes), you have a bartender who doesn’t know the value of money, because they haven’t invested in a lifelong enterprise. If you walk in to a bar and you can’t say “hey, nice tatts, bro. What does this one mean? Why did you get that one done? How much did this one cost? Have you seen my tribal?” Then you have a bartender who doesn’t know the importance of conversation.
- It is a well known fact that a bartender who has no tattoos is 98.7% more likely to have kicked a swan in the neck whilst eating a bread roll. That’s kicking a swan, a bird who belongs to the Queen of England, AND eating a bread roll in full knowledge that you’re on a gluten free diet.
Would you trust that person to make you a Mojito?
- Bartenders who don’t have tattoos have been known to act in the same way as bartenders who do have tattoos. Right down to the manners, breathing and even sometimes toilet habits.
Could you trust a person living someone else’s life?
- 55.1/2% of bartenders who do not have tattoos are 14% more likely to be called “Keith”.
Should you trust a Keith?
- Statistically speaking, 24 bartenders without tattoos will at some point call their Mother by her first name, and not “Mum”.
That’s just blatant disrespect.
- As of June 5th, 2001, there is no known register for bartenders without tattoos. They are just out there. Roaming.
The Government should step in.
- It is well documented in the hospitality world that bartenders without tattoos have been known to drink Sherry.
Bartenders without tattoos are:
- 2x more likely to not call you back after sex.
- 14x more likely to open your post in the morning
- 24x more likely to not butter to the edge of the toast
- 62x more likely to shout “Garlic Bread” whenever they go to Bolton
- 76x more likely to become a rep wanker
- 563.4x more likely to follow the yellow brick road
- 1589.5x more likely to enjoy Fernet and Coke
- And 2587x more likely to fancy your dad when they meet for the first time after you’ve been dating for three years and you have a dog together and a shitty apartment together because the mortgage rate is simply too high in this day and age to buy a house and with our wages we’d need to save for at least another four years because “millenials are ruining the housing market” despite not being able to get on the fucking property ladder because of our previous generation’s ill-conceived greed of money and hatred for anything that’s not white and British.
Stay classy San Diego.