Why You All Need To Stop Ordering Anything With Your Drink

Holy Fuck Potatoes have you seen the news???!? Bartenders everywhere are out to kill everyone. Did you hear that apparently the ice in ice machines have tiny knives that they stab you with if you don’t give them your money? Did you hear that the lemons that go into your drinks have these really really small guns that they just shoot off in the middle of bars, irrespective of whether you’ve done anything wrong or not? Next thing they’ll be telling us that alcohol is damaging our healt… ohhh shit.

We haven’t been on Reddit to research this article, but we did see The LadBible and UniLad do similar articles about Ice Machines within a day of each other, and then the Independent did a thing about how unsafe lemons are based on a study almost 10 years ago, but how every other fruit in the world is completely fine, so maybe we’re just following a trend. Who knows?

We’re here to tell you that you need to STOP ordering anything with your drink if you know what’s good for you. Let’s take a basic Gin and Tonic. Okay. Let’s break it down. Start at the top.

GIN.

Every gin starts out as neutral grain spirit, ok? It doesn’t vote for anyone in the elections, it doesn’t care about Brexit. It’s then manipulated by people who think the world doesn’t have enough gin (they’re probably right, too much of a good thing is not plausible). It’s then paraded about the streets by people who think it’s the best thing since Monkey Shoulder made those fucking shakers, and then it’s bought by bars, and then YOU come in and ask for it in your drink. We’ve worked in bars for years now and have not once seen someone clean the inside of the gin bottles. Stay away.

TONIC.

Possibly the worst thing of them all. Did you know, based on a study in 1924, that out of two sites, the tonic from BOTH sites were found to not be tonic at all and were in fact bottles of tiny mice? That’s something none of us have taken into consideration and when you think about it, that’s all we need to know.

ICE.

It’s been well documented by now that all the ice in bars is in fact dangerous to human health. It’s just the ice in bars though, everywhere else is completely fine. No-one has EVER cleaned an ice machine and no-one ever will. That means no more mojitos, no more cold drinks and forever lukewarm tap water that you need to get for your mate because they’ve drank too many shots of the ever safe Sambuca, whose sugar content is obviously less important to health but y’know… internet.

LIMES.

Have you not been listening? Fruits are dangerous. How can we help you if you don’t help yourself? Don’t ask for any fruit with your drink. You could very well blow up or worse: die. Fruit in drinks is also one of the Daily Mail’s top 20 causes of cancer in Venus Fly Traps.

GLASSES.

Don’t ask for your drink in a glass or in any sort of receptacle. The chances are, at least two people have handled that glass. Can you take those risks? Can you afford to be in hospital for the rest of your life? This is Brexit all over again.

The only safe option is to sit at home and be safe in the knowledge that everything you do is completely safe and then forever reading Reddit and hoping the world doesn’t call you out on your bullshit scaremongering to fill your quotas for the day. Things get dirty, things get cleaned. When was the last time you cleaned your keyboard? We can bet a small bottle of tonic there’s more bacteria on there than there is on your ice or your lemon, but you’ll still shake hands with other people. Go back to telling everyone the ice is only there so they’ll get less alcohol, that one’s easier to debunk on a busy night.

@CheapestShot

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