Ermano’s “Probably Distilled For About a Week” Roadside Rum
Price: £Depends on how gullible you look
ABV: Fuck Knows %
Forged deep in the kitchen of owner and namesake, Ermano “This isn’t Racist” Ermanoson, Ermano’s Roadside Rum brings together all of the ancient traditions of the family owned distillery. From keeping a lookout for the Cuban Police (National Revolutionary Police Force) right to the very last part of the process: sacrificing a family member or passer-by as they try the first batch to ensure it is as potent as possible. The distillery is steeped in tradition and has been operating for more than 30 minutes.
The rum itself is available in two variations: “No Questions Asked” and “Really?” Both variations are rich in their own characteristics and provide the consumer with the opportunity to lose the use of their vocal chords and/or one of their eyes.
No Questions Asked is the more popular of the two, and it’s not difficult to see why. The aroma of the rum delivers an assault of the senses akin to the way in which a Friday night drinker would attack a kebab, or a burger if they were trying to be healthy. Hints of lies and deceit can be detected on the nose, with a strong smell of last night’s mistake an ever present after-thought.
On the pallet NQA offers those warm and crisp notes that remind you of juvenile drinking in a dimly lit park whilst squirrels rummage around in the trees getting off their nut on the fumes of your desperation and sly groping of the only member of the opposite sex – or indeed same sex – in attendance.
The popular phrase “appearances can be deceiving” applies to this rum, for it looks like a harmless bottle of water, yet acts like a depraved tube of turpentine. If you’ve no sense of smell, then always get a friend or family member to check your label-less Lucozade bottles.
Makes an alright daiquiri, but can be used as an even better substitute for chloroform, or preferably window cleaner.
Available at all respectable supermarkets.