Resident expert and made up person, Richard Hole knows exactly eight things about night life culture.

Having just been made up about fifteen seconds ago, Dick boasts almost 50 years behind the stick, and he is a perfect stranger when it comes to creating an environment that doesn’t make people want to slap him.

Hole sat down with Cheapest Shot to offer his insights and share his knowledge on everything from the perfect bar, drinking with your bartender and even how to clean your teeth properly. Check out his interview below.

Thanks for sitting down with us, Dick.

It’s my pleasure, I’ve always wanted to share my knowledge with people and make sure everyone knows the correct way to do things.

You’re such a nice man, with that being said: When are you not?

I get asked that literally all the time (laughs for some reason). Whenever I see people drinking Coca Cola, because Coca Cola is made with Cocaine, you know that because the names sound the same and I definitely fact checked that.

That’s interesting. 

Isn’t it? If I got that wrong will you take it out?

What makes a shitty bar?

If you walk in and there’s shit on the floor.

What are your thoughts on accepting drinks from you bartender?

Oh god you should never accept a drink from your bartender. Jesus Christ no. You know what they do for a living? Would you let a bank teller give you money? Would you let a clown  give you a show? Steer clear of bartenders. Those dicks.

Should you ever throw shit at your bartender?

Listen, if your bartender gets hit in the face by something you’ve thrown at them, then they aren’t looking at you and therefore are not doing their job properly. Everyone knows that bartenders HAVE to be looking at everyone at the same time all night every night. Who cares if they’re busy making drinks or serving other people? Hit that fucker in the face. (Guffaws)

What’s your go to cocktail?

Oh that’s easy: A Cubre Libre. It’s about 25 ounces of rum, 15 of lime juice and 20 of Pepsi, I never drink Coke because of the cocaine thing I mentioned before and I hope no-one actually knows how to make that drink because I’m in trouble if they do.

Do you have an underrated cocktail that everyone should try?

A mojito for sure. Hardly anyone’s heard of them and they’re scared because they’re all a bunch of little donkey shoes. (Laughs yet again for no reason) 

Is there a drink that everyone out there should know how to make?

A whiskey and coke. Not many people know this, but it was actually invented when someone put whiskey and coke together and decided they liked it.

Do you have any final words for people, so they know you’re really knowledgeable about these sorts of things?

When is a drink not a drink? When it’s been drunk. (Laughs uncontrollably and shits his pants.)

Dick Hole doesn’t have a TV Show to plug.

Note: This article has been edited to remove an incorrect reference to a connection between Genever and the genocidal holocaust. The two are not related.

 

@CheapestShot