Never Trust A Bartender Who Doesn’t Smoke

Just as you should never trust a skinny chef, or trust a hairdresser with no hair, or trust a gynaecologist without a degree, you should never trust a bartender that doesn’t smoke.

Now, we know what you’re thinking: “Surely that makes no sense? How even? What? You can’t be serious?” We are being serious and don’t call us Shirley. GET IN. WHAT A JOKE.

We would trust Brutus to both cut our hair AND cook us food.

Allow us to explain our statement:

  • Bartenders that do not smoke have not discovered the importance of taking a step away from the bar for a smoke, this means they are not very observant.
  • It is with this lack of observance that they could allow a drink to be served without all of its ingredients.
  • When a drink is made without all of its ingredients it fails to be the drink that a customer has ordered.
  • When a customer does not receive the drink they have ordered they become “Customer Unhappy Now, Thanks Shithead”.
  • When these “Customer Unhappy Now, Thanks Shithead”s appear they bring the entire wrath of hell down upon you and the bar you are in.
  • When this wrath is brought down upon everyone, people get stabbed, mirrors get smashed and bars get closed.
  • When people get stabbed and mirrors get smashed and bars get closed everyone falls into poverty and is reduced to giving blowjobs behind the back of the bus station in return for a scotch egg.
  • The scotch egg hasn’t been refrigerated for a week.

Is this what you want? Is this how you want your life to play out?

This doesn’t pay rent, folks.

Now, we don’t care if you really like scotch eggs, and we also know what else you’re going to say:

“Those bartenders that don’t smoke can just go for breaks, it’s perfectly within their right as stated by law”.

If you think for a single second that employment law holds a strong position in bartending then you are indeed in the wrong industry and you deserve to be giving scotch egg blow jobs.

“You can’t honestly be encouraging people to take up a life threatening habit such as smoking?”

Yeah, you’re right. Best stick to selling them completely harmless alcohol instead.

Open your eyes, people. Toilet breaks just aren’t enough, actual breaks just don’t exist.

Stop this horrendous miscarriage of ethics and sign up today to get your bartender smoking and enjoying the ironies of fresh air.

And no, smoking guns do not count.



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Main IMG: Global Panorama |flikr



2 Comments Add yours

  1. Bar McBaringson says:

    Ignoring that bartenders gagging for a cig will lose focus / lose their rhythm when coming back…
    Resource: experience / not being that serious

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