By Ben Brooks
On Thursday (14/01/2016) Jay Rayner released his fury amongst the hospitality staff of Britain, much to the disdain of myself and others like me. Yet, this is just the tip of the iceberg as thousands of comments begin an onslaught on the hospitality industry.
It’s going to be ok guys, we’re here to bite back. I’ve linked the article here for you to peruse at your hearts content. In the meantime I have come up with 12 things Jay should probably have a look at in 2016.
Going on About His First World Problems
He spends most of this article waffling on about the state of his teeth because he’s been grinding them at night thinking about unsalted butter and restaurants general lighting ambience.
My suggestion to Jay is to read the Guardian, but avoid pages in which show his face as the columnist so he can avoid being sucked in by his own egotism. Maybe then he’ll learn something about the state of the world affairs.
Not Asking The Staff Any Questions
Oh no Jay. The waiter is about to take said bread off the table. What are you going to do?
How about simply becoming a human being again and politely ask, perhaps even with a smile ‘If you could leave the bread, as we’ll probably have it with our mains’. I feel this would be more appropriate than grinding your teeth into your gums and then writing an article about it.
Inferring Sexism Within Hospitality as a Punchline Instead of Writing About The Actual Problem
A few weeks ago, Steven (One of the founders and editor for cheapestshot.co.uk) wrote a great article about gender equality within hospitality and supplied statistics to prove that although there are more women working within hospitality, less are employed in a management or above position. The link is below if you’d like to check it out.
Jay on the other hand uses gender equality within this industry as more of a quip. ‘Stop leaving the bill with the only person with testicles’ being the dull tone of his obvious attempt at potty humour. Let’s turn this on its head so Jay can have a real think about sexism. I leave the bill with whomever asks for it, if you are the person wanting the bill then you’re the person who’s going to get it. So Jay stop being a sexist pig and if the lady you’re with would really like to pay then why not grow a pair and let her ask for it.
Stop Going to Tapas Restaurants
‘The food, it comes out… when it’s ready? What sort of a place is this!?’
Probably a Spanish tapas restaurant or a Greek taverna by my estimation. If that’s not how you like to have food and you roll with the starter/mains/dessert crowd then it is possible to opt for that style of service. The world hasn’t gone mad, it’s just you.
Poking The People Who Serve Him Food
I’ve always felt that I’ve been nothing but a consummate professional throughout my ten or so years in hospitality, I’ve had to deal with my fair share of angry customers, drunks and general idiots. Through it all I feel like I’ve dealt with these people with a smile and some understanding.
However, if Jay insists on continuing to write articles lambasting staff who earn less than the national living wage then I’m going to actively encourage the staff who serve Jay to stir his Gin & Tonic with their penis. See, we can all make jokes about male genitalia Jay.
Denying His Obvious Obsession With Granola
Maybe having Granola for a main meal is a London thing, I don’t personally know. What I do know is that after spending the last 7 months exploring 9 different countries I’ve yet to experience Granola on a menu. So, it’s time to dig a little deeper.
It’s obvious to me Jay thinks himself of somewhat a chef, although it’d be hard to guess from his appearances on Masterchef, so, maybe he’s playing us like a fiddle here. Jay loves Granola so much he’d like to see it on menus throughout the land. This article is the bait… Just you wait!
Not Baking His Own Bread
Salted butter, unsalted butter or no butter I don’t really care. If you want to know more about whether or not to butter your bread then go on the Great British Bake off and show us what you’ve got. Until said time the only people who have a problem with unsalted butter levels in restaurants are you and Lurpak.
Being Cheap… And Preaching About What You Think is Cheap
If it comes in a plastic sleeve it looks cheap, but if Jay hasn’t got the wine in price order then he can’t be cheap. Funny one. If you want to learn more about wines of the world then (and this is a point I’m coming back to because I feel very strongly about it) ASK SOMEONE!!!
We’re here to help! Use your brain and your mouth simultaneously to pronounce words as to what you require, we can then go about finding something for your taste to improve your evening.
Surely as one of the major food critics in Britain I would imagine eating somewhere cheap isn’t an issue? Oh, but your mates give you 25% off the food bill only? This man needs the wine list in price order immediately!
Going For Dinner and Not Starting With a Drink
I’m going to get 2014 reminiscent about going to restaurants because I remember when they were fun, but, then 2015 happened and It doesn’t sound like Jay had too much fun, he’s chomping his teeth through his skull. Poor bloke.
Some restaurants can be bad, some service can be bad, some of the food can be bad, some of the way restaurants like to serve food can be bad…
But, it’s all going to be ok if we start the evening with a drink.
Provoking Middle Class Tories and Being a Middle Class Tory in a Newspaper That’s Trying Not to be
I absolutely love reading the Guardian, Deborah Orr is one of my favourite journalists and the general tone of the whole thing is fair. I get along really well with it.
Don’t ruin this for us Jay. It’s not just £100k a year bankers and wankers who read the Guardian (although looking through the comments section on your article it’s hard to believe). I feel it’s a pretty universal paper, so I refuse to have it overrun by people who complain about whether or not their waiter or waitress had a pen and paper.
Talking About Himself in The Third Person
‘These are the Jaws of Rayner’
Jay, stop it, everybody hates you.
Sleeping Without a Gum Shield
I’m no dentist, but if you’re grinding your teeth into your gums then you should probably have started with a gum shield.
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