Knowing when it is acceptable to be drunk can often sometimes be a tricky situation to figure out. Do you get drunk AT the funeral or after? Before work, during work or after? The morning, the afternoon, the evening or that moment when night becomes morning again?
Fear no more. We will attempt to clear up when it is ok to get drunk and when it is best to just leave the bottle and/or yourself at home.
Before Work in a Bar – Acceptable if it’s not the bar you’re due to start work in.
During Work in a Bar – Acceptable if you’re very good at acting like you’re not drunk or if you’re trying to sleep with someone.
After Work in a Bar – Acceptable if with friends and not colleagues. Only get drunk in front of colleagues if good friends or if trying to sleep with them.
Before a Funeral – Acceptable only if not driving and safe in the knowledge that it’s not your funeral.
At a Funeral – Acceptable if stood at the back/if not carrying coffin.
After a Funeral – Acceptable and expected.
Before Meeting Parents of New Sex Piece – Acceptable and Necessary. Unless Dutch. In that case you’ve all the courage you need. That is where that comes from, right?
During Meeting Parents of New Sex Piece – Acceptable but not encouraged. See below.
After Meeting Parents of New Sex Piece – Acceptable and completely needed to forget about the moment you decided to tell that funny sex anecdote but forgot you were in front of parents and forgot that it didn’t involve new sex piece.
In Tesco – Acceptable, especially if shots are available. Every Little Helps.
In Asda – Acceptable only if you walk around slapping your bottom and winking at passers by.
In Morrisons – Only acceptable if purchasing a large salad box whilst drinking and only putting through a medium one through the self service scanners.
In Sainsbury’s – I have nothing clever to say here. Acceptable.
In Waitrose – Acceptable, although you do need to fuck off back to Eton when you’re done. (LOL Hashtag Us And Them).
Parent’s Evening at School – Acceptable tradition dating as far back as 1955 when Marty McFly nearly fucked his own mother and everyone was like “Woah”.
At Racist Relative’s House – Acceptable on the grounds that you don’t join in/ aren’t overheard joining in. Those bloody immigrants, ey?
At Church – Acceptable. Embrace the blood of Christ with a whiskey chaser and get that stomach lined with a lovely bit of brie with the body of Christ.
The G.U.M Clinic – May hinder your results but otherwise acceptable. Where better to hit on someone than at an STI clinic? You know they put out.
At Bilbo Baggins’ House – Acceptable. Chances are you are too drunk. That’s your mate Dave. He’s hairy and short but he’s not a Hobbit.*
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Img: Ibrahim Owais |flikr