The last Friday before Christmas is of course: Mad Friday. It’s a festive shit storm that brings out all of the Goblins of the world that never normally show their ugly faces. All of these Goblins descend upon their nearest Town or City Centre and just…I mean…They’re fucking horrible.
Every single person that ever existed shows their face on this exhausting weekend, and the inevitable “I’m better than you because you are my servant” mentality gets increased 10x.
We want to help, so we’ve given you a few tips on how to deal with all of the fucking cunts that decide this is the perfect time for the world to see what they’ve been missing on this most hallowed of weekends. Combining two or more will result in a fantastic evening that involves many a smoking break:
I : Ignore Every Single Person.
II : Only Serve Those People NOT Wearing Christmas Jumpers.
III : If a Party of Six or More Suits Walk in, Demand Your Bar Closes.
IV : Refuse to Serve Anything Except Bottles of Non-Alcoholic Beer.
V : When Asked For Bottles of Prosecco, Politely Serve Them Lemonade With Strawberries.
VI : Tell Everyone That You’re Only a Barback.
VII : Refuse to Speak English.
VIII : Tell Everyone That Jagerbombs Are Now Illegal Because of Donald Trump.
IX : “The Draught’s Off.”
X : If Anyone Exhibits Any Signs of Fun, Turn The Music Off.
XI : Remind Everyone That You’re a Human Too.
XII : Have a Shot of Tequila Every Time Someone Mentions They Pay Your Wages.
XII : Hide All of Your Sambuca Stock.
XIV : Keep a Mental Note of Every Bartender That Acts Like A Cunt Because They’ve Been Given The Night Off.
XVII : NEVER Cry in Front of The Customers.
XVIII : Promise Yourself “Not This Time Next Year”. It’ll Get You Through.
XIX : Two Shots of Tequila For Every Time Someone Tells You to Smile.
XX : Never EVER Cry in Front of The Customers.
Good luck to every one of you. Hell never looked so shit.