All You Need To Know About Mulled Wine

IT’S CHRIIIIISSTTTMMMAASSSSSSSSSSS.

Now that we have the traditional Christmas welcome out of the way: We thought we’d give you a little bit of history about the popular festive drink: Mulled Wine.

Mulled means “Given a lot of thought to” and Wine means “Getting Hammered”, so Mulled Wine literally means “Given a lot of thought to getting hammered”. It’s been a traditional Christmas drink in the UK ever since Winston Churchill visited his first Christmas Market in 1921 and proceeded to let all of his mates know about this “Wondrous and Magical liquid that is not as shit as it seems.”

The Romans are credited with being the first clever bastards who decided they were going to add spices and stuff to their red wine because they were getting bored with the copious amounts of wine at their disposal, and they needed something else to help make their mothers look attractive.

Fast forward to the 16th Century and everyone was getting in on the act. People were mulling cider, ale and even mead because why the hell not? It wasn’t until 1776, however, that someone thought it might be a good idea to serve it in shit decorated cups that cost two shillings as a “deposit”.

As with most things, there was a band of people that decided to take the fun out of Mulled Wine and make a non-alcoholic version of the liquid. The red wine was substituted with apple juice and hence forth Mulled Apple Juice became a thing for some unbeknownst reason.

Mulled Wine is very similar to Sangria: they both use wine as a base and then have random shit thrown into it. That is where the similarities end.

Mulled Wine should not be confused with the German variant “Glühwein” because we’ve had enough of bloody foreigners coming over here and stealing our jobs.

It is considered a tradition to drink your first sip of Mulled Wine underneath a cardboard cut out of popular TV personality Andi Peters as he once secreted Mulled Wine from his nipples during a recording of Live and Kicking.

There are many myths surrounding Mulled Wine. One such myth consisted of people believing that by pouring the liquid onto some dirt and chanting “Kriss Akabusi come hurdle my fence” five times in quick succession would cause Santa to emerge from your bathroom. Popular TV show MythBusters dispelled this myth in late 2010.

 

If you’re thinking of making your own Mulled Wine this year, here’s a Cheapest Shot variation for you to try out:

300ml of Red Wine – the cheap stuff from the shop will be fine.

Two unwaxed oranges – waxed oranges feel too juvenile.

The peel of one lemon – don’t you dare use any more.

Seven cinnamon sticks – It’s Christmas.

5ml of Christmas loneliness – Tears of newly divorced relatives will suffice.

Once mixed together, heat on the stove of your rich uncle who refuses to help your family out yet again for around 15 minutes.

 

Merry Christmas from all of us here @CheapestShot 

 

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