Ahh breathe it in. Do you smell that? That’s the wonderful aroma that seeps out en masse from the deepest darkest pit of the internet that is called “TripAdvisor”.
Everyone is familiar with the stench that floats around the pot of ‘negative’ TripAdvisor reviews. It’s a cesspool filled with unimaginative adjectives, over dramatic usage of the word “bland”, hyperbolic reactions to being told the specific beer that was ordered is nowhere to be seen in the building, extensive use of the word “expensive”, a gluttony of the phrase “I never normally write bad reviews” and more spelling mistakes than you can shayk a stik at.
In curating a list of some of the best and often confusing reviews on TripAdvisor I had to take regular breaks for fear of losing all faith in humanity. A few things to note: All of these reviews gave one out of five ratings, I haven’t changed a single word in them, and I’ve taken out any references to specific bars, y’know… just ’cause.
With that in mind. I regret to bring you:
The Best Worst Bar Reviews On TripAdvisor:
The lady who wants to know…where her change is:
I met few friends for drinks. Bar staff very rude I necer got change from 10 poubds note….I handed over. The5 minutes before happy hour ended we were told we wrre to late to take benefit from that offer@ Dissapointing
So many things to say, so little time to say it.
There’s the gent who is making a strong case to show he is sober:
Got kicked out after three drinks trya tell me I had to much worse place I’ve ever gone never go there as well don’t serve you for having a good time what’s that all about!!!!!
“Yeah, that’ll show them.”
There’s Mr Bland who has no time what so ever for bland food and just wants his beef to be noticed:
“Bland Bland Bland”
Went to *A Place* today as we had heard good things about the Sunday roast£13 for the beef with all the trimmings.
The beef was dry, overlooked and very fatty and had absolutely no flavour
The gravy was like water and again bland
All the vegetables were overcooked and of course bland
I have never had to add so much salt to food and for there to still be no improvement on the blandness
The staff were friendly though and the service was quick but this does not make up for overpriced bland bland food
“I found this beef to be shallow and pedantic. Needs more cowbell.”
The people who don’t appreciate it if a waitress doesn’t meet their height requirements:
“Lovely food, awful staff ”
I went with my girlfriend for her birthday for cocktails and food. The floor manager was extremely rude to us and our waitress was short and came across as if we were an inconvenience. We almost left before even ordering. The cocktails were lovely and nice and boozey and the food was well cooked and lovely, just such a shame the staff ruined the whole thing with their attitude.
“Great time + great food + great drinks – short staff = no soup for you.”
The man who doesn’t like seafood restaurants smelling like fish:
The place smells very bad. Staff have beards and long hair which personally puts me off. It stinks old fish which ruins your appettite. It is overpriced for what they bring. The decor is nice but staff come with a twistbof arrogance. Avoid it…..
“You would think the smell of fish would make us want to eat the fish. Wrong. Get a shave.”
The guy who wasn’t on the ‘guest list’:
Been going to *This Place* since it opened. Yet a rude short doorman decides that ‘it’s guest list only’ pretentious at its very best. Well done joe. Very impressed.
Round of applause for Joe. The dick.
The person who seems to be more pissed off at their friends than the actual bar:
Never written a trip advisor review in my life, this experience prompted me to do so. Awful, absolutely awful.
Horrible place, horrible music and horrible people. If you like RnB and getting tipsy in the club then you’re right at home. Dragged here by friends, questioning what kind of friends would do such a thing. Place is so boring, the music is unbelievably bad – unless every single track on Neyo’s album is up your street. Please stay away.
“If you like going out, and like music, this bar is right up your street. 1 Star… I hate my friends.”
The guy who thinks you heat up cocktails in the microwave:
Horrible cocktails (frozen brought most likely from Iceland) totally over priced £7 previous place visited cost less than that made fress in front of you, never tried the pizzas so can’t review the food but don’t go in if you’re after a nice drink
“cost less than that made fress” – Dr Dre.
The woman who lured her foe into a false sense of security and then pounced:
“Don’t order a coffee.”
Only nipped in for a coffee. Waited an age for it to arrive. Got an apology for the wait – the coffee machine had run out of water. I think someone nipped out the back and got the water from a puddle in the street and skipped the coffee completely.
“Yeah, waited for a bit, was apologised to, ran out of somethings, all very routine.THE COFFEE WAS SHIT I WANT YOU ALL TO DIE.”
The woman who couldn’t understand how queues formed:
“Sort your bouncers out”
Can’t really comment on it as didn’t get in. Well dressed 40 some things on a Saturday afternoon. ..told to “stand in queue”….there was no queue. You’ve missed out here cos was planning a visit with a massive group at Xmas. We will go elsewhere.Who do you think you are ???
“Quite frankly, one does not simply queue to get in when one is dressed as finely as one is. Don’t you know…What even is a queue? I do quite like James Bond.”
The man who used a thesaurus for the word “order” and ruined his review:
“Bad experience at *No specific Bar at all*”
Command was forgotten. We had to wait half an hour. After complaining to the manager, the food has been quickly prepared, in less than 5 minutes. It was tasteless and cold. My coffee was also discusting despite having been prepared in a timely manner.
“My coffee was made in an orderly timescale yet tasted like the urine of a hundred dogs. This confused me. Will make better commands next time.”
The man who had been to the bar on a previous occasion, but just kind of forgot:
“Poor food,poor staff” – Dated – May 2015
This place has tried to revamp itself but instead has fallen into the same trap as most mcr eatereys.the decor is bad and you feel like your waiting to be seen by a doctor!.the staff seem uninterested in guests or there service.the menu is tiny and basic and what we had was slow to arrive and really cold.pretty bad food that has tried to fit in with other places and failed.
“Really bad!” – Dated – September 2015
We stumbled upon this place whilst having a night out in northern quarter.we were hungry and it looked good so we thought we’d give it a try.whst a mistake we made! The service was terrible with rude uninterested staff,but the food was worse!.it took ages to arrive and when it did it was bland and stone cold.have they not heard of seasoning and heat!.it was just really bad quality food and I would never return to this place in fact it ruined our night.
I haven’t even made this up. He’d actually been before and just…forgot about it.
The man who laughed at his own joke:
“Heres your pie then…”
Forked out (lol) a fiver for a pie. Expected some chips at least or some gravy, i mean come on?! But no the pie no larger than my palm lasted only 3 bites. While tasty it was not sufficient and i couldnt justify buying another so went home feeling like a bit of a mug.
“Classic banter there Geoff. Btw, how good am I at eating pies really quickly? Still hungry though. Can’t really justify getting more though…’cause I’m hungry.”
Of course TripAdvisor is full of good reviews too, but literally no-one cares about the good TripAdvisor reviews, they’re really boring to read. Now, if you’ll forgive me, I need to get away from the internet for at least a good hour.
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