A few years ago, a guy applied for a job at my bar. He had no experience whatsoever but he emailed me with a CV and only the words: “You need me.” I’m all for confident and unique applications, but at the time we couldn’t train people up from scratch, so I responded back with “No we don’t” and thanked him for his interest. It was all meant in good fun. This is sometimes seen as a big enough message to someone applying for a job. Not this guy. He decided he was going to try and further entice me to give him a job, by writing me a poem, defining his skills and his worth to me:
I can mix a drink, critical think and tow the line.
Staying calm, collected and being on time.
I really want to be able to justify hiring someone for a bar job based solely on their poetic skills, but I don’t think I ever could. Nevertheless I felt compelled to reply to him based on his persistence:
Regardless of wit and your spate as a poet,
We look for certain skills and your CV doesn’t show it.
Free pouring is far more than just speed,
It’s the measuring of alcohol to fit legal need.
Talking with customers is absolutely key,
But do you know each spirit’s history?
The origins of rum, the botanicals in gin,
The variations of whisky and which glass it goes in.
Some people love vodka, others denounce it.
Would you up sell cachaça? Can you even pronounce it?
The mixing of drinks is hard to teach,
It’s a constant lesson with an end you can’t reach.
Theres thousands of recipes, each one debated,
And new variations constantly created.
Its nothing personal, I’m sure you have potential,
But 2 years experience has always been essential.
I hope in some way this rhyme makes amends,
But this is where your application ends.
It’ll obviously never be considered a modern day sonnet of the world, but I like to hope my AA rhyming scheme is appreciated by English GCSE students in the distant future. I also kind of want all future job applications to include poetry.
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