The Hilarious Customers That Weren’t

“Banter.” It’s a word used by everyone that assumes they’re hilarious and is somehow used to forgo any sense of humour that ever existed: “If you didn’t laugh, you don’t have good banter.” Sometimes the “banter” is just awful though. Whilst everyone is guilty sometimes of thinking they’re hilarious, my particular gripe today is with those bar customers that don’t even try and switch it up or show originality.   

This one is aimed at you, rowdy drinker. You may think you’re being funny and unique but the following antics will be met with an eye roll and fake smile at best:

“Dick Turpin wore a mask.”

This is usually used by the older generation – the modern day hipster may act like they love everything retro, but 18th century crime legends rarely become a reference in their jokes. Dick Turpin was a legendary highwayman – a thief. Though the comment is mostly used as a friendly jibe, I can tell when they are being serious. They are accusing me of robbery.

Firstly: I don’t make the prices. That bit of shrapnel you’re passing over isn’t going straight into my pocket as I laugh all the way to the bank.

Secondly: if I was making the prices I would have to account for all the wages of the staff. I have to pay for the fridges that keep your beer cold, the seat you’ve made your smug little bum comfortable in and the roof currently over your head.

Dick Turpin may have had the decency to wear a mask, but he didn’t have an electricity bill to worry about… and he paid his cat with milk.

The Card machine joke: “Hello? I think it’s for you.”  

Let me set the scene: It’s 2am and the bar is four deep. You’re rushed off your feet multi-serving with cash and cards being thrown at you. You go to take one payment on card and as you hand over the card machine for the customer to put in a simple four digit number this COMEDY WIZARD holds it to their face and pretends it’s a phone. We’ve all seen it a million times; it isn’t funny, it’s infuriating. I need that machine back, and I will let everyone know you are the reason they are waiting so long.

How society views you (IMG: flikr|coreymarie.com
How society views you                                          (IMG: flikr|coreymarie.com)

What’s worse is when they pass it to the nearest guy/girl in a strange attempt at a chat up line. I have no idea if that has ever worked:

“How did you guys meet?”

“Well he shoved a dirty machine in my face and expected me to talk to it whilst everyone glared at us.”

By all means, push electrical equipment in your face and talk to it but do it in your own time. I’d suggest the hot end of a toaster.

The No Service Selfie.

I don’t know what it is about the human race, but, after a few shots they are oblivious to the words “NO SERVICE HERE.” I’ve seen people craning their neck over one to complain about how they were next and why aren’t I serving them.

If you move the sign, the statement still counts. If you throw the sign away, you will be thrown out the door.

The worst ones, though, are the ones who take the sign and hold it around their genitals for that perfect kodak moment. This happens ALL THE TIME. Take five of your friends, search through a few of their night out photos and I guarantee they will have a picture like this (if they don’t then you probably do and were too drunk to remember…dick.)

I’m not saying that customers should be robotic. Be charismatic. You’re what makes my job fun. A simple “hello” or “please and thank you” is all it takes to earn my respect, but if you insist on sticking to the same terrible “banter” then I’m breaking into your office the next day and shouting the same knock knock joke till I’m escorted out.

For the love of god Phil, stop saying
For the love of God Phil, stop saying “who’s there”.
IMG: flikr|Phuong Le

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