Hospitality calls can sometimes be a confusing and upsetting world to be trapped in. You’re working away and all of a sudden someone shouts a number at the top of their voice, and you have no idea what is going on. You feel ostracised and alone. You start to lose friends quicker than you can open bottles with your new bar blade. Fear not, we’re here to lend you a helping hand.
Memorise this small list of calls and you will be successful in the industry. Promise:
700: I haven’t been laid in a while and I hope the person I’ve shouted it at, understands what I mean.
699: I haven’t been laid in a while; I want people to know my standards are normally higher.
400: People just came in, and I’m feeling too lazy to multi-serve.
86: We’re breaking up/Don’t serve this guy/It’s in the back and I can’t be bothered/You’re fired.
68: JK, no-one uses this.
200: Someone’s walked in and I can’t be bothered to serve them.
Behind: I’m taking this moment to touch your back/arm/arse and you can’t get mad.
600: I’m tired, I’m going outside to “smoke.”
601: I don’t smoke and I need to sit down.
602: I don’t smoke and I need to sit down for longer than usual.
900: Someone better come and get this so I don’t have to take it.
ETA: I’ve been promoted and I want people to know.
500: I could just say lighter, but I want you to know I know.
50: Literally anything you want it to mean. Literally. Anything.
Beachball: I work for LV.
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