As a follow up to my piece on “10 pretentious cocktails that your pretentious bartender will love you for ordering.” I thought it was best (it was requested, apparently I’m doing requests now,) to clue you all up on the cocktails that will make your bartender scream on the inside and throw you shade on the outside. These are without a doubt the cocktails that will make your pretentious bartender wish you were dead or worse: not in their bar getting served.
So sit back and relax as I take you on a journey of what drinks to not order if you want your bartender to not hate you because as we all know, bartenders are the most important people on the planet, and you need to be on their good side if you face any chance of surviving in this world.
This isn’t Sex in the City, bitch.
Don’t do it, they hate them. They hate it when you ask for them, they hate it when you ask if they know how to make it, they hate having to flame an orange zest on such an unworthy drink. This drink order will get you nothing but passive aggressive thoughts and an overly zesty drink.
9. Woo – Woo
“Sorry, we don’t have peach schnapps.”
This isn’t a cocktail and you know it. You’re just asking for it because you like the way it tastes, aren’t you? How dare you. How dare you do that. You can ask for a vodka and cranberry juice but don’t you dare make your bartender put peach into that. I feel sorry for your bartender.
8. Sex on the beach
“Sorry, we don’t have peach schnapps.”
Who cares if you like them? Challenge your bartender, don’t piss them off. they are not being paid money to be there and serve you what you want, they are there to be challenged and be made happy.
7. Pina Coloda
Let me guess, you also like being caught in the rain?
It’s a drink that splits opinion amongst bartenders, some hate having to make this simple cocktail and others really love them. Some of them will try and change the game a little and create their new “twist” on this “classic.” It’s best not to risk it, never ask for this drink if you want any chance of surviving.
What are you? Who are you?
I don’t care if you really like them, I don’t care if you like them sweeter than usual. Why are you wasting your bartender’s time asking for a drink that you like? Don’t ask for it and save the day rather than condeming it to a world of egg-white and shit.
5. Singapore Sling
Two seconds whilst I direct you to Wetherspoons.
Your bartender doesn’t care if you’ve had one before in Singapore. The chances are he is never going to make it the way you like it anyway, and then look at you like you’ve pissed on his bonfire and then shook the dregs off onto his family. Remember, don’t order things that you like and never expect them to taste the way you expect.
4. Strawberry Daiquiri
As long as you aren’t being serious about the strawberry.
It’s a risky game ordering strawberry daiquiris in a bar. I know you might like them, but if you’re to stand any chance of not having your bartender look at you in despair then you best drop the fruit prefix from this drink and suck up the lime like a trooper. Don’t you even think about asking for a frozen one.
It’s a niche hate.
Are you goddamn crazy man? You’re asking for a combination of two of the drinks you should never order, I can’t help you people if you’re not even trying to help yourselves. Pina Colodas and Strawberry Daiquiris should never be whispered in any circle together let alone in a drink that combines the two. Cretin.
2. Long Island Iced Tea
You’re not here to try and get drunk really quickly, you’re here to try and not order the drinks equivalent of shitting on a puppy. If you’re set on ordering these drinks, then you must watch how your bartender makes them. If they just throw it all in together then they absoloutley hate your guts. If they layer the drink to look like a really long pint of Guinness then they only mildly hate you and are showing off. If they make the drink and pour the coke on top and quote “sinking” at you, then you’ve found the bartender who should be avoided, you’re allowed to hate them.
We don’t have mint, not now not ever.
I’m just going to put my head in my hands and stop trying. You’re wasting everyone’s time and should just ask for a caipirinha that takes longer to make and doesn’t have mint in it. Every bartender would rather stand and cut fresh limes and then muddle said fresh limes and then make the drink … than muddle fresh mint. Don’t you even dare ask for blueberry, you whore.
It’s not an extensive list but it does cover the basics. You don’t want your bartender to hate you, you want them to adore you. Not ordering these drinks is a sure fire way to start the process of adoration. You’re welcome.
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