We’ve all been there, we’ve all seen those twatty bartenders that turn their noses up at us for ordering a simple man’s vodka and coke or a Jack Daniels and coke (Sidenote, I turn my nose up all the time at people that order those drinks, I used to be that twatty bartender…I’m just a twat now.)
Do you feel let down by your own stupidity and lack of drinks knowledge? Do you wish you’d had the training of your bartender just so he couldn’t make you feel like a dirty dirty peasant?
Fear not general public, for I shall tell you all about the secrets of being a bartender’s best friend. With these helpful drink tips you shall no longer live in fear that your bartender hates you and wants you to die.
I give you ten pretentious cocktails to order at a bar that will make your pretentious bartender love you for the rest of your life.
10. The Sazerac.
Coming in at number ten is the New Orlean’s originating Sazerac.
Order one of these bad boys and watch the sheer delight on your bartender’s face. It’s thought to be the oldest American Cocktail, it can be just cognac or just whiskey or a combination of the two and even comes with some absinthe rolled around your glass and no matter which way you try and drink it… *Drumroll Please*…it will never taste as good as your bartender says it does. It’s just science. Apologies to the bartenders of the world who may have just read that sentence and recoiled in disbelief. You’ll be fine, I’m sure you don’t know what you’re talking about either.
9. Corpse Reviver #2
All hail to the Corpse Reviver #2 and the bartenders that long to hear its name uttered amongst them.
Gin, Lemon, Vermouth and Absinthe. You can’t go wrong with those ingredients, kids. Hell, anything with absinthe in is always going to make your bartender love you. The clue is in the name, it’s designed to revive a corpse with good old fashioned alcohol (which probably killed them in the first place.) It’s a drink they all proclaim to be able to make, so get on their good side and ask for it straight away, don’t even say hello.
8. Corpse Reviver #1
The lesser known predecessor of the aforementioned Corpse Reviver #2.
I’m going to be honest with you here, I had no idea what the fuck this was until about 4 months ago. I’ve never even drank one. Odds are that neither have you but all is saved because now you know it exists and you can ask that good old knowledgeable and uppity bartender for it. It’s brandy, calvados and sweet vermouth…I just looked that up so you didn’t have to. Cracking.
The cocktail order that will always get you a coffee.
That is of course, unless your bartender is on top of his game and willing to prove it: “You want the cocktail, yeah? Are you sure you don’t want a negroni?” Of course, you wont know why he’s asked that will you? You dirty peasant. The Americano cocktail is only what gave birth to the bloody negroni isn’t it?
Americano: Soda,Campari and Antica. Negroni: Gin, Campari and Antica.
6. Rum Flip.
Or any sort of flip to be honest with you.
Spirit + Egg + Sugar + Spice. It’s essentially Egg Nogg and the less I have to say about it the better.
5. Dirty Gin Martini
A room full of bartenders just wet their pants.
You’ll excite an entire shit ton of bartenders if you ask for this drink. Don’t try and be clever and say “Shaken, not Stirred” because you’ll lose them, remember: the goal is to fit in and make them love you. Ask for it in the same way you like your lovers: very dirty, and you may even get a discount for being a top notch legend. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like olives, we’re not here to care about what you like, we’re here to make bartenders happy.
4. Brandy Blazer
It’s a risk. It’s a big risk.
This is for the seasoned pro of a bartender. It’s a risky drink to make because you want to avoid them setting you on fire in search of their pride. It’s just brandy, sugar and BOILING HOT WATER AND FIRE THAT WILL BURN. A proper bartender will always suggest you go for something else instead as “You won’t like it, trust me.”
3. Blood and Sand
Roughly translates as: Sex on the beach for posh tits.
No-one likes these, but every bartender will tell you he makes a really good one. Scotch, Vermouth, Cherry Liquor and orange juice. Want to get that refreshing taste and feeling of orange juice but also want your bartender to not look at you as if you’ve just shit on his cornflakes and make you a drink that tastes like he’s just shit on your cornflakes? Problem solved.
“How’d you want it?”
It’s every bartender’s dream for you to ask for one of these and not know the difference between Sweet, Dry and Perfect. It gives him a chance to scoff at you and your lack of knowledge. Don’t fall into this trap, just ask the fucker for it the way they like it. This puts the power into your hands, because if you don’t like it then you get to look down on the bartender, and that’s poetic justice.
“It’s actually *laughs* older than a negroni.”
The top of the list is saved for the most pretentious drink you can ask for in a bar. It’s the king of them. Every bartender is dying to make you try this. Avoid their attempts to put you off and make you feel small: “Do you like bitter drinks? This is quite bitter you know?” Smile at them and say “I’m a man about town, it’s fine” and give them a proper cheeky wink, they’ll love it. (IT MEANS “MAN ABOUT TOWN” IN FRENCH, ISN’T THAT A GOOD BIT OF INFO AND JOKE?) Btw, it’s Whiskey, Campari and Antica…idiot.
There you have it, a beginners guide to getting your bartender to love and adore you. I hope this brings you great success and that bartenders across the globe begin worshipping the ground at your feet and no longer look upon you as the idiotic and dirty peasant that you are.
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