Hospitality is a funny game. The public will never appreciate hospitality staff enough, and hospitality staff will always over appreciate fellow hospitality staff. There will always be factions within the trade split accordingly as such: Chefs, Servers (or waiters and waitresses…I never know which is more demeaning,) Barstaff and Management.
I saw an interesting post on Facebook about what would happen if a Server did a Chef’s job for the day, and it ended up painting the Chef as a superhero and the Server as an idiotic time waster (I may be embellishing the story here, but it’s fine, Chefs notoriously have a great sense of humour,) it got me wondering: “What would happen if everyone was to switch jobs for the day.”
A list, if you will, of ten things that might happen, and how the different ‘factions’ would react:
1: A Customer Asks What The Specials For The Day Are:
Server: Proceeds to list the specials for the day, maybe even suggesting some side dishes or drinks that would go well with it.
Bartender: Tells them a cocktail they thought of last year that almost made it on to the menu. Asks the customer to wait whilst they find a server to tell them.
Manager: “Chicken something.”
Chef: Proceeds to give a background on every ingredient involved in the special, throwing in a reference to Gordon Ramsey.
2: A Medium Rare T-Bone Steak Has Been Ordered.
Server: Goes into the kitchen, swears at a pan because that’s what they’ve seen the chefs do, cooks burnt steak.
Bartender: Giggles at the word: “Bone” and then looks for ways that the steak can be served with a cocktail. Forgets to cook steak.
Manager: Uses delegation and accidentally asks a Kitchen Porter to cook the steak for them.
Chef: Cooks a medium rare t-bone steak and serves it up.
3. A Customer Has a Complaint About Food.
Server: Panics, and runs to get a manager.
Bartender: Nonchalantly saunters off after saying sorry, remembers to get a manager 10 minutes later.
Manager: Deals with the situation.
Chef: Swears furiously at the idiot who doesn’t know what real eating is. Throws a knife at the Kitchen Porter.
4. A Customer Asks For a Sazerac.
Server: Cooly and calmly smiles, proceeds to make a diet coke mixed with lemonade and vodka.
Bartender: Makes a Sazerac.
Manager: Tells of the time they used to know how to make one, suggests maybe having a Long Island Iced Tea instead.
Chef: Shouts “What are you? A Ponce?” and refuses to make anything other than a beer. Throws a knife at the Kitchen Porter.
5. A Customer Patronisingly Asks: “Is This All You Do For a Living?”
Server: Smiles, says yes then proceeds to furiously tweet about the altercation.
Bartender: Gives a sarcastic response then proceeds to furiously tweet about the altercation.
Manager: “I’m a manager.” proceeds to never tell anyone about it.
Chef: “How was your f**cking steak? Have a good time? You f**cking c**t riding c**k gobbler.” Throws a knife at the Kitchen Porter.
6. The Phone Rings.
Server: Answers the phone in the way they have been told to.
Bartender: Looks furiously for a server to answer the phone, proceeds to have awkward conversation with a customer.
Manager: Delegates, accidentally asks the cleaner to answer the phone.
Chef: Tries to mimic the servers they’ve observed. Ends up having a patronising conversation because they were too busy mocking the floor staff’s phone etiquette.
7. The Window Gets Hectic and Orders Are Flying Out Everywhere.
Server: Threatens to walk out because they aren’t getting paid enough for this.
Bartender: Forgets where they are, shouts: “Who’s next?”
Manager: Remembers that the toilets need cleaning, walks off to find someone to do it.
Chef. Swears at the servers for taking too many orders. Proceeds to run the window efficiently. When finished, swears more at the servers. Throws a knife at the Kitchen Porter.
8. The Bar is Five Deep.
Server: Offers to help do coffees for tables only.
Bartender: Slightly panics, swears at the manager. Serves the five deep bar.
Manager: Reminisces about the good old days. Forgets to serve anyone.
Chef: Asks if a customer wants his gin and tonic medium rare.
9. Head Office Walks in.
Server: Panics. Avoids eye contact. Would rather be serving customers.
Bartender: Panics. Avoids eye contact. Would rather be juicing limes.
Manager: Panics. Tries extra hard to maintain eye contact. Pushes for a bonus.
Chef: Shrugs. Eats bread.
10. A Customer Has Asked For Discount on The Bill Because “The Atmosphere Isn’t Right in Here.”
Server: Stares blankly for 5 seconds, proceeds to get a manager.
Bartender: Laughs at the perceived joke, makes atmosphere even worse.
Manager: Apologises, proceeds to give 75% off bill and five free meals for the next time they come.
Chef: Tells them to f**k off to Weatherspoon’s. Throws the Kitchen Porter at a knife.
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